Telling your child that you are separating or divorcing has to be one of the most painful conversations a parent will have with their child. When divorce and separation occur, children will experience a wide range of emotions. Most children can make a good recovery from the stress of the separation; however, this is down to how sensitively the parents handle the situation.
When to tell them.
There is never a good time to break the news, but it is best to leave telling a child about a divorce or separation until one of the parents is nearly ready to move out. It is important that both parents try to tell the children together so that you are both relaying a similar message. Try to consider your children's feelings by seeing the situation through their eyes. One parent may have a different opinion to the other parent and may try to apportion blame, however, this is not going to help your child. You do not need to tell your child what you think about your partner or the reason for the breakdown of the marriage or relationship. No matter what the other parent has done, children react better when parents act respectfully towards one another.
What are the types of behaviour you can expect?.
Guilt and blame.
A child's reaction after the shock and confusion may then turn to self-examination and blame. When a child hears that their parents are separating it can shatter their trust because once your child realises that trust can be broken, they will immediately begin to look for other
reasons. They may believe that if their parents can fall out of love, then their parents could stop loving them. In particular, small children often feel that they must be to blame and that they are responsible for the separation of their parents. In their immaturity, they often link separation to some naughty behaviour of their own and will try to put the family back together. It is important to tell your child what has happened between you and your ex-partner and that it is not their fault. They will need lots of reassurance and it is important that you tell them you love them and will continue to love them.
Anguish and grief.
Your children will obviously be shocked when you tell them, children of all ages can grieve for quite a long time for the loss of the family life that they were accustomed to. They will not take everything in. Expect lots of questions, so give your child plenty of time to process the news. After all, both parents have had time to consider their separation, whereas this will come out of the blue to a child. Try to be reassuring and answer as honestly as you can but they do not need to know the reason for why the marriage or relationship has broken down.
Denial Fantasy
Older children may be more aware of what has been going on and may have more questions than a younger child. A younger child may be reluctant to acknowledge a divorce or separation and they may change the subject when you try to talk to them or choose to tell others, such as family and friends. They may not want to go to the non-resident’s parent’s home initially because it feels too real, and they will often fantasise ‘one day mummy and daddy will get back together’. It is important that you explain to your child that adult’s feelings change and whilst mummy and daddy no longer love each other, they will always love them.
Anger.
Anger is quite often an associated behaviour and a child may test the limits or break boundaries. They may blame a parent or lash out and tell them they hate them. Young children find it harder to process their feelings and cannot understand separation. They may react with emotions such as bewilderment, grief or sadness. Before visiting the non-resident parents' home, they may be clingier or withdrawn and may cry. At the end of a contact visit they may display similar emotions, which is again natural as they are bound to miss that parent.
Be prepared!
It is important that you explain what changes they are going to encounter as there will be a lot of questions. Therefore, they will need to know where they are living, who they will be living with (if a parent is moving in with family or friends) and when they will get to see both parents. It is important to re-assure them and allow them to ask questions about anything which is causing them to worry. Let them join in by helping you choose wallpaper or furniture for their new bedroom.
Do not interpret upset emotions of a child to mean they do not want to see the other parent.
It can be a common occurrence that after a separation or divorce, one parent misunderstands some of the emotions explained above to mean that a child does not want to see the non-resident parent. As a result, contact is stopped which can lead to long drawn-out court proceedings, which can be more damaging to a child than the actual divorce or separation. It is important to remember that a child has the right to see both parents and without any safeguarding concerns, a court would also expect both parents to be involved in their child’s life.
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